the golden child

If you didn’t already know, I am a songwriter. I write songs about my own life, about my friends’ lives, about a cool quote I’ve heard, about a made up story I want to tell, etc.

This specific piece of a song pictured below, called golden child, was written by me about a year ago.

If you’re curious about these words and my thoughts behind them, keep reading :)

A little backstory:

I grew up with an older sister, Madison, who is 4 years older than me, and two loving parents who did and still do everything for us. As little girls, I looked up to her. I wanted to be cool like my older sister. Everywhere she would go, I wanted to go, which usually meant my mom told her she had to bring me along. We were best friends for a little while. But as we grew up, we grew apart, and things started to change. Madison had struggles with addiction and I watched as my cool older sister, my best friend, go through years of battling this addiction and inner battles as well.

There was nothing I could do. So I did nothing. I stepped back. I stayed quiet. I focused on my grades, my music, sports, anything to distract myself from what was going on behind the scenes in my life. My sister saw this. She called always me the golden child. And I hated it. I hated that by doing what I thought was right by staying out of the way, I created more problems for her. And I hated that she thought I was “perfect" because I am nowhere near that.

I always questioned why I didn’t go down the path that she did.

Why wasn’t I born first so that I could be the one to show my younger sister what not to do?

Why can’t I change her mind?

Why couldn’t we just be a normal family?

If we grew up the same way and in the same world, why are we so different?

These questions have swallowed me up for so long — mostly because I don’t feel like a golden child.

I am also just human. I make mistakes. I’m not perfect.

And that’s why Jesus had to save me. I recognize that I am broken. I make promises and break them. I’ve had my heart broken and couldn’t get back up by myself. I run away from the problems I don’t want to face because it’s easier that way. All of these things I know about myself, and it’s why I need Jesus to be golden in my life, not myself.

So that’s why I wrote this song — it’s one big question.

How did I not become “that girl?” The girl that doesn’t choose Jesus, the girl that lost the little kid inside herself, the girl that doesn’t want help.

But will getting answers to those questions really do anything? Will it change the past? Nope. Will it help me understand? Honestly, not really. And I’d be lying if I said I did understand now. I guess the point of me writing this blog post is to say that it’s okay not to understand everything. If we knew the answers to everything, there wouldn’t be a need for God. But in the confusion and questioning, I turn to scripture (and then songwriting haha).

2 Peter 3:9 “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

We can see the heart of God in this piece of scripture. He wants everyone to repent and be with Him. He longs for us as a father longs for his children. So I find rest in knowing that God is a loving Father that keeps His promises. I’m learning to trust Him with my family on Earth.

I’m learning that I was never the “golden child.” Jesus was the golden light within me.