tis the season
There are only three days until Christmas. Three. Did December even happen… because I think I missed it.
This time of year brings up a lot of emotions for me as it does for a lot of people. I’m home from college and back in the small town I grew up in, there’s no schoolwork to be done, no roommates to come home to (besides my parents), and A TON of time to sit with my own thoughts.. which at times can be scary. All this extra free time kinda forces me to face the “seasonal scaries” as I like to call them.
It’s scary because I fall into comparison way too often when I have this time to sit and scroll down the rabbit hole of endless social media at my fingertips. Comparing my family, my faith, and my appearance is draining and quite literally keeps me up at night.
Exhibit A:
Don’t get me wrong, I love this time of year. There’s no denying that Christmas does feel magical. I love drinking copious amounts of hot chocolate, decorating gingerbread houses, riding around with my best friends looking at lights, listening to Michael Bublé, and cozying up to watch a cheesy Hallmark movie.
But surprise! That’s not enough to fill me with joy or to escape all of the craziness of the holidays, the craziness of my thoughts, and the lies that like to sneak in through the back door of my mind. Because there are always things that come up that no amount of Christmas cheer will make better. Like losing a loved one, the memory of what a whole family together feels like, or missing someone you never wanted to lose.
Have you ever heard of the term, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”? It never fails this time of year that my cup feels empty. I tend to get more anxious or easily agitated. I tend to stay to myself and disassociate when I would rather want nothing more than to get coffee with an old friend or spend more time with my parents.
And no amount of gluten-free gingerbread cookies or reruns of Elf is going to fill this cup of mine with love, peace, patience, and grace. But you know what will? Jesus
Maybe the reason I always feel so empty this time of year is that I need more of Jesus and less of social media. More of Jesus and less of trying to measure up. More of Jesus and less of comparison.
Jesus will fill my cup. Jesus will fill YOUR cup. The world will not. Social media will not. Comparing yourself to others will not.
This time last year, I was in a season of heartbreak. I felt like there was no way I was ever going to feel joyful again. It was a massive wave that I had to swim through, but the good news is, I wasn’t alone.
December 24, 2022
Dear Diary,
It’s been a year since I started my first journal. Wow. So much has changed. I’m the type of person that hates change. Especially when I think I’m in a really good place, I don’t want to leave it. I’ve been trying so hard to make this season of my life a growing season. I’ve been trying to force myself to look at the bright side of everything instead of letting myself just sit and feel. I’ve been holding on to what I think is best for me.
But then I just start to laugh at myself because I know that what I think is best for me is NOT what’s best for me. Only God knows what is. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I still don’t understand. But I’m asking the Lord for strength every day to keep going. Yes, it’s still going to hurt. Yes, I am going to cry again. Yes, I am going to wish over and over that this pain never would’ve happened. But through it all, I am thankful that God is preparing me and that He is with me every step of the way. Thank you, Lord, for knowing what’s best for me. Yes, I’m still going to doubt. Yes, I am human. Yes, my heart will probably break again. But God is a good God. And I will look for Him in the midst of the heartbreak and amid the uncertainty every single day. Yes. I will trust the His plans are greater.
As I read this old entry, I just can’t help but praise God for all the ways He’s shown up for me throughout this year. And I imagine myself today going back and hugging this girl as hard as I possibly can and telling her to hold on.
So, as I sit here in my childhood house, writing this blog post, with all of my free time, I am reminded this holiday season to let Jesus fill my cup, not the world.
I am reminded not to waste my time looking for a way out of the difficult season that I’m in but to look for God in the midst of it.
God is good. We can trust that He will use the situations in our lives that we view as “ugly” to bring about beauty. It may take longer than we anticipate but don’t lose hope.
God loves you. And you are not alone.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! Thank you for reading about my little life.
Tis the season.
xoxo,
Taylor Beth